Do you want empathy or solutions?
One thing that I’ve learnt being chronically ill and neurodiverse is that people don’t always want or even need your help. So if you are someone who finds they are constantly being bombarded with unsolicited advice, then you may find “Do you want empathy or solutions?” a powerful question to ask others and for others to ask you.
Empathy vs Solutions for those with Chronic Illness and Neurodiversity
Often we don’t like to see the people we love or care about be in pain or go through a bad time. We want to remove their suffering and improve their lives for them, but doing this is disempowering to them. Sometimes people actually don't want solutions from you or for their life to be fixed by you, they just want to rant or complain. If someone you love struggles with this concept of you not needing solutions all of the time, you may tell them to think of it as needing a release of emotions, rather than being ready to take direct action! Neither is better than the other.
You may want to release some emotions of frustration from how stuck you are feeling or say how unfair you feel life is at the moment. You may just want someone to say “I care and I’m here for you” and then actively listen to what you are going through. Sometimes people go to a therapist for just that. However, when a loved one leaps into ‘rescuer mode’ to solve our problems and we just want them to love us and tell us we are being heard, it can be even more frustrating and upsetting.
If you are chronically ill or neurodiverse and find you are constantly being bombarded with unsolicited advice when you just want to rant, you could make it clear before you begin that you don’t want solutions - you just want to rant, without being interrupted, offered a solution or being pitied. You may have just told the truth when asked if you are okay and a rescuer will see this as an opportunity to provide a solution. So if you want to avoid this, you can be firm and say “I’m not ok, but i don’t want to spend time strategising solutions with you right now. I just need to feel heard and loved right now. Please can you just listen and empathise.”
In your family, friendships and romantic connections, you may share this article with them and agree to ask the quick question “empathy or solutions?” when someone is upset, so that they can easily pinpoint what the other person needs in a given moment, rather than assuming. By having this discussion in advance, it can help to reduce resentment and miscommunication in relationships with others, so you can both feel that you are helping each other.
If you or someone close to you gets non-verbal when they have a meltdown or is fatigued, you may wish to have some non-verbal cues to answer that question. For example, you may make a heart with your thumbs and index fingers to signal empathy and you might clap three times for solutions! Whatever signs you use, make sure they are not used for any other non-verbal cues.
Overall, the important thing to remember is that it’s hard to communicate when you are struggling with fatigue or emotional regulation, having a meltdown or are stressed and overwhelmed. So having successful systems in place prior to those moments is a good form of self-care and can make communication and relationships that bit easier!
Another thing to remember is that not wanting a solution doesn’t mean you are lazy - you may just not be ready. The only issue is when you are perpetually unready to take action to find solutions (whether that be alone or with another person) and you feel stuck. This is where Earth Coaching can come in handy - to help unstick you! If you feel like you need unsticking or need more input into helping communicate and navigate neurodiversity or chronic illness life, you can take a look at my coaching services and book a discovery session.
